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Topic: 5) The Boston Massacre

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5) The Boston Massacre


The Boston Massacre


The Bloody Massacre by Henry Pelham

The Boston Massacre The S#!t heard round the world didn't explode from the barrel of a Colonial Musket but the ass end of a Morgan Horse instead (but, of course, you couldn't put that in print so they gave the honor to a Lexington Minuteman instead, hey). 

Some Historians say the Founding Fathers stirred this riot up to launch the revolution, however, at this time (so Russell) it is doubtful they had anything to do with it regardless of their influence on the crowds at the docks from their shipping businesses.

It appears that a group of street urchin duty boys decided they'd had enough of the Brit's **** and decided to give em some back, literally. They picked a fight with them and cussed at em which escalated the conflict to the biological warfare stage which, in the case of fourteen year olds (personal experience here), means utilizing the ultimate weapon of mass destruction known to man which was a (still steaming?) pile of horse **** which was pressed into service, post haste (something about eat **** and die mofo, no doubt) and turned those gay lobster back red coats a very nasty shade of brown. 3

This, of course, had the expectable effect of elevating the decibel level of the ruckus to the pitch which was bound to get the attention of the bar hopping Bostonian Intemperance Society who, promptly, staggered out into the streets by the docks and tried to play baseball with the Red Socks, er, Coats heads (my spin on Russell's pitch). The outcome was predictable - that's what happens when you bring a bat to a horse**** and gun show. They probably should have used a cricket paddle instead. 4

Apparently, Adams thought the same thing cause he defended the Socks in court and the game's been rigged ever since.


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